Food faves - The Ultimate Burger

Every so often on a Saturday afternoon, my Dad would make us burgers.  They weren't exactly a gourmet revelation; most often frozen burgers, american plastic cheese and burger baps from tesco (I had to have the ones without the sesame seeds on top because I didn't like them), but whenever my Dad suggested burgers for lunch I would go through the roof with excitement.  

My sister and I would draw up a questionnaire of vital and not-at-all pointless questions to quiz the family on how they wanted their burger.  It looked a little like the below - don't judge the crapness as it took me bloody ages.  It's actually a very accurate representation of what my handwriting looked like circa 1998: 

If you can actually read this, you'll see it's a very comprehensive set of questions.  I typically wanted everything and as much as I could get of it (although I didn't want my bun toasted and I hate cooked pineapple).  When it arrived at the table, I spread a ton more mayo on my bun, added more lettuce and carefully stacked everything neatly on top of each other - lettuce at the bottom, followed by one slice of cheese, bacon, burger, cheese on top, pineapple and tomato.  It was truly the ultimate burger.  It looked ginormous and far surpassed the size of anybody else's.  I grabbed my weapon of greatness, opened my mouth as widely as I could, and took a big bite, trying to get everything in at the same time.  Burger juice ran down my hands, the bun was crumbling apart in my fingers, and my family threw disgusted remarks at me.  It was bliss.

Years later and the ultimate burger still exists, although in a slightly more foodie-friendly form.  Burgers are of course made by hand, using a combination of steak mince, onion, egg, parsley, ketchup, pepper and oyster sauce (it doesn't draw out the moisture like salt does), and I make them as big as I can get them without getting disdainful looks from my fellow diners.  All the trimmings still exist, although the plastic cheese is usually substituted for cheddar or monterey jack, and the pineapple, bacon and lettuce (probably something peppery rather than good old iceberg) still remain.  If I have time I make my own mayo, and have been known to make my own burger buns, but if time is of the essence and I want one NOW, I have to make do with what's on hand.

Here's one of my recent efforts, complete with potato wedges.  That's a mighty fine burger.